Starting Up

I know the title and tag line leads you to believe that this blog is supposed to be about my faith, but that’s not all it is and I feel that something else should be brought up because it also plays a part in this. And that is the fact that I am mentally ill.

Not in a bad way like some people automatically assume when they hear that. I mean honestly, if I didn’t tell you, you more than likely wouldn’t know it about me. But for those of you, like me who are curious, I am diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder II, generalized anxiety, and mild panic.

The most difficult one for me to deal with is the depression. It weighs heavier on me more than the others. I lack the energy I used to have. I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings. I have random pains all over my body that won’t go away.

The anxiety is also a struggle to deal with on a daily basis. I fear the reactions of people when I say the wrong thing. I worry that I’ll mess everything up and no one will want to be around me. I can’t deal with the uncertainty of not knowing what my days are going to be like because of my depression acting up.

The mild panic and bipolar II are easier to handle because they don’t cause such severe issues as the depression and anxiety do. The panic can be difficult though because when it does flare up there’s no warning, it just happens. I’ll get light-headed and my hands will shake and my chest will get tight and my breathing will get shallow and I’ll feel like I’ve got to escape. The bipolar is interesting when it swings to the hypomanic because I become an energetic, bubbly, talkative, giggly version of myself. I go on cleaning sprees and write all the time and not sleep much at night.