Tough Nights

I’m trying to manage my mental illnesses the best that I can, because medications just didn’t work for me. I just couldn’t make myself go back to the doctor again and again to be put on one med after another because this one gave me headaches and that one made me feel emotionally numb all the time.

I still have my bad days and that’s normal, but I know to fight through them. Even if it’s not easy to do – it’s ok to ask for help. There are good things out there even though I may not see them at the time. What helps me is the fact that I’ve got a list of things that make me happy on my phone. I can look at it and distract myself, sometimes just momentarily but it still helps make pushing through the rest of the day a little bit easier.

There are nights when I sit curled up in my big green moon chair clutching one of my stuffed animals with thoughts flying around in my head and tears threatening to fall. And to be honest with y’all, I think that’s completely ok. I really do. Sometimes a girl, or anyone for that matter, just needs to sit somewhere they feel safe and let their emotions flow.

That’s part of my problem. I bottle things up, and I have for a long time, because I’m afraid of people not seeing me as the strong girl that I show myself to be. I am absolutely terrified that if I show people that I possess a weak side and have breakdowns over nothing then they’ll think differently of me. They’ll think I’m weak and can’t handle them coming to me with their situations. But that just make me feel even worse about myself because they think so little of me.

I told one of my friends about this and she literally said something that made the tears break free and fall down my face:
” You’re amazing. You’re strong. You’re fearless. You’re determined. You’re a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, and best friend!
You have so much going for you”

I can’t see these things most times.
I don’t understand how I’m amazing. I only pretend to be strong. I’m so far from fearless that it’s almost funny. I give up when things don’t go my way or they’re too difficult.

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