Waiting Games

Honestly, this whole thing is like a massive waiting game. Wait to see if the drug you’re given is gonna work. And then wait to go back for a follow-up about it. I’m currently in that situation. I’ve almost hit the three week mark where it should be starting to really work. It’s frustrating because I’ve been on this medication for 20 days now. I got back for a follow-up in 13. I wish I could say that I feel like it’s finally starting to work like it should, but I can’t. But it’s not doing that. Or at least it doesn’t feel that way.

I don’t know what the problem is exactly, but things just don’t feel right.

I feel just as bad as before, if not slightly worse. I’ve had some really weird dreams. I can’t fall asleep at night; when I do fall asleep, I can’t stay asleep for very long. My emotions build up and come out when I least expect it. Sex doesn’t hold the same appeal that it used to. If I take my meds too far from the same time every day, I get a headache.

It’s getting more difficult to push myself to get all my school work done. The only thing I seem to be doing ok with is my online math class. Go figure… I guess cause I can see immediately that it’s done and graded. But I’m not doing as good as I thought cause I got a really crappy score on my first test.

My ASL 4 class is difficult since it’s the last thing before I go home and I’ve been sitting around campus for almost 6 hours before I go in.

My Deaf Culture class is just a lot of reading. It’s all interesting, but it’s tough to force myself to push through the text when it’s boring and repetitive. The discussions in class are always hilarious because of the students and Paula’s comments/comebacks.

My VGC (Visual Gesture Communication) class is first thing in the morning and we’ve got to think outside the box because we’re not allowed to use any signs. It’s not my favorite thing, but some of the girls in there make it tolerable. 

I’m starting to get really anxious having to wait for my dr appt. The closer it gets, the more difficult it is waiting for everything to happen. I just want the answers now. But I know I can’t get them yet and I have to get through each day till then.

People are either irritating or terrifying. I want to be more outgoing than I am, but it’s difficult. I’m always afraid someone is going to sense something off about me and make a judgement and walk away. It’s just something that I’m scared of. I know it seems absolutely ridiculous, but it’s true. I just fear the judgement of others for things that aren’t even relevant to what’s happening.

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