I promise I didn’t mean to run away from my blog for almost two weeks. It just kind of happened. That’s what depression does to me. It forces me to leave the things that I used to love – or rather do love. It renders me weak and useless. Just a body moving through the necessary motions of the day, at the most minimal level. I’m trying to fix that, but it’s not easy.
There are things that I would love to do. Like go out and take walks, or find DIY crafts to do, or actually get into books again, or be able to keep up my blog more regularly. I’m hoping that once my medication is changed, it’ll be easier for me to get back to things that bring me a sense of joy or accomplishment.
Because, honestly, the medication I’m taking currently makes me feel like I’m detached and being pulled down into a world where I don’t know where anything is. i’m drowning in emotions that I don’t ever want to experience. I look up and I can see everyone moving on without me, as if I had never existed.
I lay in bed at night wishing I could fall asleep. Yearning for dreams, whatever they may bring. I don’t care if they’re stupidly happy, or weird like I’m on drugs, or horribly sad. I just want to fall asleep and dream something. Something that isn’t connected to my reality.
I know so many people who would just look at me and ask a question like “well why don’t you just be happy?” I would then look back at them with a painfully confused expression on my face and ask “do you really know what depression is?”
They would probably give the same generic answer that everyone does if they haven’t experienced it themselves. It’s so hard to explain what it’s really like and have someone understand. But I found a link for a video of a girl explaining depression to her mom who just doesn’t understand it that makes me want to hug her forever. And there’s also a blog that I discovered a couple years ago that describes depression through words and comics.
I knew I wasn’t alone on this horrible emotional battle, but that’s quite often how it felt. People around me didn’t understand it, and I didn’t have the words to express myself. I tell them how I feel when I’m alone, but they look at me as if I’m speaking some foreign language because I don’t look like that when I’m with them. Well, of course. I put on a front when I have to be around people because I don’t want them to look at me and know there’s something “wrong” with me.
Recently, I’ve been building a support system for myself because I know that I can’t do this on my own. I mean, I like to believe that I’m strong enough that I don’t need to reach out to other people when things are overwhelming, but I know that’s not the truth. No one can fight this battle alone. Absolutely no one. We’re not strong enough. So I’ve been trying to slowly, and carefully, let more friends in to be part of my support system.
While I may have that support system, I’m still hesitant to use it. There’s so much that I don’t know how to explain to people. I can’t seem to find the words to ask for help sometimes because I know the other person will ask what’s wrong and I don’t have an answer for them. And I’m petrified that when I say I don’t know what’s wrong they’ll say there’s nothing they can do for me.
Maybe my new year’s goal should be to be more open with my close friends about how I’m feeling. Because they can’t help me if they don’t know.