An Unsent Letter

Yesterday I was in Panera with a friend. She was working on a paper for a class at school. I was just kind of keeping myself busy.

There were these two girls at another table studying. One of them had so much makeup on that she looked fake. The other didn’t look like she had any makeup on. Sometimes I wonder how people like that end up friends. They seemed like complete opposites. It’s not like it’s not possible. It just seems interesting to me.

I’ve been trying to come up with a blog post because I need something to do. She’s got her paper to work on and I’ve got nothing. So I’ve been scrolling through social media sites and hopping between them all. I said something on Twitter about maybe doing some reading or homework. But then I realized that I don’t have any homework to do..

So I’m still sitting here with not much to show for the time I’ve been here.

I something in a notebook earlier that I thought about turning into a blog post, but now I’m not sure. I know that my blog is my safe space, where I can say what I want to say. But I still wonder if that’s true sometimes.

There’s so much that I want to say. However, I don’t want people stumbling across it and realizing who I’m talking about when I go off on a rant. In a way it feels unfair because I shouldn’t have to worry like that when I’m writing for my own blog. I could understand if it was a guest post somewhere else because it’s not my safe space, it belongs to someone else.

But I guess I need to stop worrying about everyone who reads my blog because I can’t make everyone happy. That would be completely exhausting. And it’s already exhausting enough just trying to get through my days functioning as minimally as I can.

~~~~~~~~~~

You don’t try to understand. You want things your way or not at all. You can’t see a marked difference when I take my medication because that’s how it works. Things in life don’t always go your way.

I wish that things magically changed because I swallowed the pills that my doctor gave me. But guess what? They don’t! I’m still emotional. I’m still irritable. I’m still unstable. I’m still bipolar. Shocker, I know

There’s not a cure for bipolar disorder. I don’t know if there ever will be. I have to accept the fact that I’m going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.

Do you know why you don’t understand? Because you’re closed-minded and you don’t take the time to ask questions or listen to answers. If someone doesn’t have a straight answer, you start talking over them or asking even more questions. The other person gets overwhelmed, and it’s even more difficult to give a straight answer.

Well guess what? With mental illness, there is very rarely a straight answer. I’m serious. If someone asks me how I am, I seldom tell them the truth. It’s too much for them to process/handle.

The easiest way to get a “straight” answer out of me is to talk to me like I’m an equal human being. If you start talking down to me then you won’t get what you want – you’ll get me being defensive instead.

Then there’s also the issue of you thinking that my diagnosis is serious, and wanting someone to sit in on appts with me. That makes it seem as though you’re still treating me like a child. It feels as if you see me as incapable of managing this on my own. Well, I’ll never learn how to handle my diagnosis alone if you refuse to let go. (Thank god you aren’t the one who takes me to all my appts…)

There is no right or wrong way to manage bipolar disorder. Why? Because everyone is different. What works for a friend of mine up in Canada ma not work for me. I have to figure out what works for me and what doesn’t. But I need to do it on my own because you won’t always be around.

I’m discovering what my triggers are. I’m learning how to cope with them the best that I can. It’s not always easy. There’s a reason that they’re called triggers. You see/hear/smell something and it causes certain memories to flood your mind. They can be positive or negative triggers. Meaning they can send you up into (hypo)mania or down into depression. But they can also be a temporary relief from the extremes if you let them.

If you don’t want to take the time to research and try to understand what I’m dealing with, I’m not going to be very inclined to try to explain thing when you’re confused. You’ll only have yourself to blame because you acted like you didn’t care so I didn’t see a reason to waste my time and breath on you.

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