There is nothing more I could ask for, than to be with someone who truly cares about me. Someone who cares about me on a level like no one else ever has before. To the point where I could just look at them, and without saying a word, they know that I am not okay. I want them to understand that I simply need them to sit on the couch and hold me as my mind seems to just stop functioning.
I lie in my bed, lights out, staring at the ceiling, wondering when my mind will slow down. When I will have enough time to think things through to the point that I can process a daily routine. There have been so many days when I have given everything I have to just getting through the day so I could crawl back into bed and sleep to forget everything for a little while.
Their arms wrapped around me, holding me close to them. Their hand wrapped around mine. That is what I need when I feel like my only option is giving up. I need to see that there are people patient enough to sit there through the difficult times with me. Someone who does not seem like they are going to up and run at the sight of something difficult.
Giving up would be too easy. Fighting, every single day, is more tough that most people would think. Fighting an invisible battle, all day, every day, against my own mind, is something that I cannot even fathom explaining to someone who has not battled mental illness themselves. It is something that they cannot truly begin to comprehend.
They may give it the “good ole college try” and tell me about times when they have been depressed before, but they will never, never, understand what it is like to have a voice in their head. A voice telling them that they will never amount to anything; that they will never be able to go through a day without thinking, and almost sincerely believing, they are worthless.
I feel as though I have met this person before, but I cannot seem to pinpoint who it is. When I finally realize who it is, things will be like they are supposed to be. Simple. I will not always feel like I am falling asleep at night, constantly alone. That person will be there for me, always.
If whoever that person is happens to be reading this, please understand this:
If it seems like I am pushing you away when you are trying to break through my walls, please, please, do not give up. Keep trying. I am not used to people genuinely caring enough to take the time to chip away and really break these walls down. You are different. You want to tear past these walls and see what is behind them.
I will tell you the truth before you get there. I am afraid of what you will find. I know that I put on a strong, happy façade, but behind it is the exact opposite. I am a scared, broken, insecure girl. Please be prepared for that. I will ask all kinds of questions about why you are doing this. I will repeatedly ask if you are sure you would not rather leave me behind and make your life easier. I will probably tell you that I am not worth the effort you are putting into me.
But I know, even without knowing exactly who you are, that you cannot, and will not, leave me. You will find and care for the scared, broken, insecure girl that is hiding deep inside of me. You know that I am worth it. You see the potential in me. You want me to become the person you know I can be.
And for that I want to thank you in advance.
Thank you for everything.