How NOT to Handle a Break-Up

A little over four years ago, I went through an absolutely terrible break-up. To be quite honest, it left me kind of scarred when it comes to the possibility of a new relationship today…

It was difficult for both parties involved, even though I was the one doing the breaking up. (Why does everyone so often think it’s easier to be the one doing the breaking up than being the one broken up with? It’s still hard to be the one to end it.)

Things were going okay in the beginning of the relationship, but about three months in he got mono. So he was quarantined at home.

Before this, he had been very possessive about me and who I spent time with – he didn’t want me spending time with guys he didn’t know or guys that he wasn’t friends with. Naturally, while he was sick, I re-discovered my freedom. I went to hang out with whoever I wanted to without feeling like I had someone to answer to for once. Unfortunately for him, when he recovered, I refused to give up said freedom.

My decision caused things to take a turn for the worse. He wouldn’t stop texting me when I wasn’t with him. He called me all the time. It got to the point that I would leave my phone in the car if I was out with friends because he was trying to contact me so frequently.

I went to a movie once, left my phone in the car, and came back to something like nine calls and twenty-some text messages. Granted, I didn’t exactly tell him the truth about where I’d been – I told him that my phone was on silent and had gotten lost while I was cleaning my room. I know, looking back, that I probably should’ve told the truth, but I was really just trying to avoid a fight with him.

I understand that communication is key in a relationship, but I wasn’t raised that I was supposed to be in constant contact with whoever I was dating at the time. It wasn’t, and still isn’t, in me to be in constant contact with someone who seemed to essentially wanted to track my every move. I felt suffocated.

I know I absolutely should have broken up with the guy in a better way, and I do regret having done it the way I did. But, I text him saying that things weren’t working out anymore and I thought we should break up. He responded via text for a few minutes, in what seemed like a fairly calm manner, and then things began to escalate. Until now he had been asking me why I was breaking up with him.

I told him that things just weren’t working anymore. I no longer felt the same connection I did when we got together five months ago. And his lack of planning when it came to picking me up from school that day had been my last straw.

He was supposed to pick me up from school and take me back to a friend’s house so I could take care of their dog. When he left his house, he forgot his phone, so he couldn’t get in touch with me. The school Wi-Fi wasn’t (and really still isn’t) the most reliable, so even “relying” on our iPods wasn’t good because if you walked too far away from a building then you would lose signal. So after waiting around for about half an hour, I reached out to my grandparents and had them come get me and take me to the friend’s house so I could care for the dog.

Back to the break-up. Apparently I was no longer replying quickly enough via text, so he decided to call me. This is when he started trying to guilt me into taking him back…

He was screaming at me. Saying that he’d gotten into a minor accident on the way back to his house from the school. That all of these things were completely out of his control. That he didn’t know his license had expired until the cops arrived to the accident. That he was trying to do the best he could for me. Everything he said was about him.

Eventually I got fed up with the verbal and emotional abuse from him on the phone and hung up. He tried calling me back, but I rejected it every time. I text a friend of mine who had been encouraging me to end the relationship (because they could see emotional trauma and other problems it had been causing) saying that I’d finally done it. They came over to make sure I was okay. Took all of my electronics away. Did everything they could to calm me down. Refused to leave until they knew I was gonna be okay.

And even when they did leave, I just sat around staring at walls and the dark outside until I went to bed. I really didn’t have the energy to do anything after what my now ex had just put me through.


Could I have handled the break-up better than I did?
Definitely.

Do I regret having done things the way I did?
Honestly, I don’t know that I do.

Am I to blame for the way that the relationship so painfully ended?
Possibly.

Is there anything I could have done to prevent the ending from being so violent?
Yes.

Do I believe that there is some reason, whatever it may be, that I went through this?
Absolutely.


Now, over four years later, I’ve been faced with the potential of a new relationship. And it’s terrified me. I feel like I don’t know how to be in a relationship now. Things don’t make sense.

For a lot of girls, relationships are exciting, and they seem easy. But it’s not like that for me. I’m not ready for a new relationship. Even now.

I just don’t think I’m ready to get into a relationship any time soon.
That’s just the way it is for now.
And that’s totally okay.

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