Birthmom Q&A

This wasn’t an easy post to put together. People were afraid to ask questions because they didn’t want to offend or hurt me, and I wasn’t really sure how to answer some of them. But here’s what I’ve got for you this week. Hopefully I can answer some more questions in the future.


 

Do you ever regret your decision?
Regret? Not at all. But sometimes I do wonder what things would be like if I had kept her.

Both you and adoptive parents named your daughter – is it usual for that to happen or does one party usually decide the name?
That’s  a difficult one to answer, because every adoption is different. However, typically, the adoptive parents choose the first name and the birthmother/-parents choose the middle name (if they’re involved in naming). My daughter’s wound up being reversed, simply because of the way it sounded/flowed. So really, it all depends on the parents and what they want to do.

How did you locate the RIGHT adoption agency for you?
Honestly, this probably sounds bad, but I just went with the agency my doctor gave me the name of. I had done some looking online before that, but I felt overwhelmed with everything that I found. So when I was given a specific agency, with positive comments about it, I decided to go with them. I got lucky that it wound up being such a wonderful experience.
So if you’re a birthmom looking for an agency, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

What type of long term support do they offer you counseling wise?
How long does the birthmother get support from the agency? And what type of support (over and above the updates)?
I haven’t really taken the time to look into what I have available to me for counseling through the agency. I did met with someone right before my daughter’s first birthday about several things, and it did help. So I’m not sure I’d really say I have counseling through the office.
But they will help you try to find a support group if you ask. The woman I originally worked with (before she left the agency) was even trying to get me in contact with other birth moms for support.

How involved is the birthfather?
He’s very involved? He helped select the adoptive family. He was there when she was born. He was there when she was placed with her parents. He goes to visit them with me every time. He gets the same updates I do.

Were you two treated differently in the adoption process? If so, how? or were you treated equally?
I would say we were treated equally. Things were obviously a little more focused on me, but he knew he could always speak up if he didn’t agree with something.

Are you satisfied with the amount of contact you have? Or would you have more or less?
Honestly, I wish I had more contact with her parents. I don’t exactly what I want, so that’s something I need to talk with the birth father about – to see what he wants as well. Then once he and I have figured out something, we can talk with her parents at lunch in July.

What do you wish families and friends of birthparents would say or do to be the right kind of support?

  • Just let me have my days where I miss her so much it hurts and I cry  without trying to figure out a reason – there may not be one
  • Acknowledge me on Mother’s Day and on Birth Mother’s Day (the Saturday before) – I need that
  • Don’t be afraid to ask me if I’ve heard about my daughter recently – I want to share
  • Don’t worry that you’re talking about your kids too much – if it’s too much, I’ll speak up

Did you choose adoption because you’re opposed to abortion? Or did you consider both and choose adoption?
I’m not fully opposed to abortion – I did consider having one. But by the time I decided to go through with my decision for abortion, I was too far along and would’ve had to fly all the way to Colorado. That was jus too much… So my decision was kind of made for me.
As I started looking into adoption more and more, I was almost relieved that I couldn’t have an abortion. With adoption, I would have a chance to watch my baby grow up. I would be able to know what kind of person they grow up to be. Depending on my relationship with the parents, I would potentially be able to be in their life as they grow up and have them know who I am.

 

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