Talking

This is actually an entry in my journal from today:


My mood seems to be kind of all over the place lately. I go back to my psych on Friday, and I’m thinking we may need to up my Zoloft from 50mg to 75mg. It’ll really be up to her though, even though she really does listen to me and take my feelings/opinions into consideration when making medication decisions. Whcih is a totally different approach than the previous two psychiatrist I had. I’m very grateful for the difference, but it’s taken some adjusting to.

Oh, and then there’s the fact that I never really felt comfortable really opening up to doctors in the past, but it’s the opposite with her. I told her about my daughter, and she told me her sister adopted a child and has a relationship with the birthmohter. It’s like a small connection with her, and I like that. There wasn’t a hesitation when I would answer her questions. I felt like I could be completely honest without fear of harsh judgement.

The fear of harsh judgement actually comes from a psychologist/therapist I went to in the past. I told her that I had self-harmed (I’d cut myself), and she told me that depressed people don’t cut themselves. ONly people with distorted thinking patterns do that. I’d never really gotten along with her very well, so I took what she said as my breaking point and never went back to her again.

I also haven’t gone to another therapist or psychologist since then, and it’s been almost four years.

Brain Dump

  • There’s so much going on right now. Dad’s back to work this week after his knee surgery Jan 23.
  • I’m trying to form some kind of sleep schedule, but it’s not really working terribly well.
  • I’ve been running errands all over the place since dad’s surgery.
    Two of my favorite shows are now back on the air on Tuesday nights back to back – Switched at Birth and The Fosters.
  • I need to start reading another book soon. It’ll be my fifth or sixth one in 2017. I haven’t quite decided how I feel about the newest James Patterson mum and I picked up at Costco.
  • I was talking to Courtney about YouTube videos and blog posts. I’ve made a few videos in the past, but they were pretty crap. I think I want to start making some again, but I haven’t got a clue what kind of content it’d be. They suggested tag videos, so I’ve noted a couple that I wanna think about doing.
  • As for blog posts, I’m lacking ideas but I’m also lacking motivation. I’m hoping that watching my two shows again will spark something in me enough to start writing again – even if it’s just in my journal at first.
  • Watching Emmett be placed on a 5-day hold because he overdosed, and then be told that depression runs in his family, it struck a familiar chord with me. I know what it’s like to feel like something’s wrong but also be unable to explain it to anyone. To wonder if things are better off without you. It’s a scary thing to deal with, but unfortunately, I think most people with mental health diagnoses face those at sold point or another.
  • I need to finish my adoption talk blog link-up piece about navigating open adoption and get it posted ask I can participate and meet more birthmoms. I don’t know how well it’ll work out though cause I haven’t really planned for it.
  • Sitting in the vet’s office waiting for blood results for Magic. We don’t know if it’s senility or renal failure, but this will show us if it’s anything major. She’s 16, so whatever we do won’t be long-term.

Depression

I feel like I don’t have the right to complain that I’m tired. I haven’t even been awake for five and a half hours yet. I’ve done nothing that would make me tired. It’s just my depression that’s causing this. And I feel like that’s not a good enough reason to allow me to complain.

A couple nights ago my depression decided to tell me that everyone was just sticking around to be nice and eventually they’d all show their true colors and abandon me. I cried. I knew it wasn’t true, but nothing in me would let me believe anything but what the depression was telling me. It was awful.

And in gearing up to go do a third session at a training weekend with my adoption agency, I feel like all my emotions are surfacing and not going away. The feelings of shame and embarrassment projected from my dad. The grief from placing my daughter two and a half years ago.

But this training is also bringing back happier things too. The overwhelming love the first time I held my daughter in my arms in the hospital. The amazing calm I felt the first time I met the couple I’d chosen as her parents. The smiles all the pictures of her elicit. The heartwarming little hugs from her when we visit every six months.

But this depression isn’t just all the adoption emotions. There’s more to it than that.

It’s the overwhelming feeling that no one cares.
It’s being ready for bed at 8:15, but knowing that you didn’t do anything to make you that tired.
It’s knowing that these feelings aren’t real, but being unable to deny them.
It’s wanting to cry at any point and not knowing why.
It’s no longer caring about the things you used to love and enjoy.
It’s isolating yourself away from everyone, including your family.
It’s sitting on your bed indecisive about what to do because you’re going numb.
It’s not sleeping at night.
It’s sleeping all through the morning and waking up at five minutes till noon.

The list could go on, but I’m going to stop there. This is just a little insight into what’s been going on in my head the last week or so.

A Month In…

So, I’ve been taking these medications for a month now. I just upped the Zoloft dosage from 25mg to 50mg this past Thursday. Honestly, it may be too soon, but I think the 50 is better than the 25. Even my grandmother has noticed that I seem to be more myself than I was before I started the medication.

Which I suppose is the goal of being on medication.

It hasn’t been an easy journey, but it’s definitely not one that I regret starting.

I didn’t think I wanted to be on medication, but I’m realizing that it’s not the end of the world. Sometimes it’s a necessity, and it’s not something that should be looked down on.

I was afraid of judgement and feared the shame I would feel when people found out I was on anti-depressants. However it’s been the opposite. Everyone I’ve told has been supportive and encouraging regarding taking meds again.

When you go three or four weeks between appointments, it can be difficult to remember how you were feeling and what side effects you noticed in the beginning. My solution to this was setting up a notebook with medications and dosages in the back, side effects and emotional stuff in the front. It’s not something I write in everyday. Only when I can be bothered, or when it seems like there’s something worth recording.

There’s not much to record when you’re home alone most days and don’t interact with people. But sometimes that’s when you realize that things need to be changing.

The last three/four days I’ve been feeling weird, but I have my psychiatrist appointment on Friday. So I guess that I should be putting this in my notebook so that I can bring it up with the nurse.

Ugh.. I suppose I should post this since I’ve been working on it for a week now..

Hopefully there will be another update soon after my appointment.

Starting a New Journey

Yesterday I went to a new psychiatrist for the first time in like 11+ months.

There was a lot of anxiety leading up to the appointment. I knew it was what I needed and it was a good thing in the long run, I was still nervous and scared.

But the appointment went well. I was immediately more comfortable with the psych nurse I saw than I ever was with the psychiatrists I’ve seen in the past. I felt like she was much more thorough than the others had been.

There were lots of questions, which is typical with a new psychiatrist. I didn’t feel judged or like I said things she didn’t really care about or think relevant. We even got off topic a couple times, but we quickly re-focused.

She doesn’t agree that I have Bipolar Disorder II like I was told several years ago. She thinks it’s depression with manic elements. I’ve started taking Zoloft and Seroquel.

New medications side effects always suck. The Zoloft is what’s making me feel like crap right now though. I’m got an upset stomach, and I’m not sleepy but I’m tired and I’ve got a pretty low energy level.


If I look at the paper from the pharmacy when I picked it up, typical side effects can include:

  • Dizziness
  • Feeling sleepy
  • Feeling tired or weak
  • Nervous or excitable
  • Upset stomach
  • Loose stools (diarrhea)
  • Dry mouth
  • Hard stools (constipation)
  • Not able to sleep

However, the side effects that require immediately notifying your doctor include:

  • Signs of an allergic reaction, like rash; hives; itching; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin with or without fever; wheezing; tightness in the chest or throat; trouble breathing or talking; unusual hoarseness; or swelling of the mouth, face, lips, tongue, or throat
  • Signs of low sodium levels like headache, trouble focusing, memory problems, feeling confused, weakness, seizures, or changes in balance
  • Signs of bleeding like throwing up blood or throw up that looks like coffee grounds; coughing up blood; blooding the urine; red, black, or tarry stools; bleeding from the gums; vaginal bleeding that is not normal; bruises without a reason that get bigger, or any bleeding that is very bad or that you cannot stop
  • Change in how you act
  • A heartbeat that does not feel normal
  • Chest pain or pressure
  • Not able to control bladder
  • Very bad headache
  • A big weight gain or loss
  • Lowered interest in sex
  • Change in sex ability

Now, I read these things and highlight all the side effects, so that if something does happen I can see if it’s something minor that should go away or if it’s something serious.

NaBloPoMo – Day 30

Make a list of 30 things that make you smile

  1. good books
  2. new episodes of my favorite show(s) on Netflix
  3. perfume
  4. LuLaRoe
  5. shea/cocoa butter
  6. cozy blankets
  7. hoodies
  8. coffee
  9. free stuff for hosting parties
  10. perfectly applying lipstick first try
  11. hugs
  12. birth control I don’t have to worry about daily
  13. catching up with friends
  14. seeing former teachers I really liked
  15. snuggling little tiny babies
  16. Thanksgiving at my aunt’s house
  17. The Grand Tour on Amazon Prime
  18. jeans that fit perfectly
  19. perfectly painted nails 
  20. putting feelings down on paper
  21. driving “back country” roads
  22. knee socks
  23. boots 
  24. music that fits the mood prefectly
  25. crawling into bed after a long day
  26. sweater/hoodie weather
  27. YouTube stationary hauls & posts on IG
  28. sentimental gifts
  29. getting new pictures of my daughter
  30. when I get to see my daughter

NaBloPoMo – Day 26

free write 


I have been on a birth control adventure recently, and it’s definitely been an interesting one to say the least…

I was on the pill for about 11 months, then I had to stop because it was elevating my blood pressure. However it did regulate my periods and make them lighter than they had been before.

So I switched to an IUD – I got Mirena. I had that for 15 months. Then it started causing me absurd amounts of pain and I had it removed. But before the pain, I absolutely loved it! I had no periods at all.

That left me trying another pill with a lower dose of estrogen in hopes that it wouldn’t mess with my blood pressure. I don’t know if it messed with my blood pressure or not – I was only on it for about 3 weeks. Then Trump became out President-Elect and the nation went crazy about birth control.

And I decided to go ahead and switch to an implant  – I got Nexplanon last Wednesday. (This might seem a bit of a hasty or rash decision, but I had been considering the implant before the election.)

The insertion was a lot easier than I originally anticipated it being. I don’t know where I’d gotten the idea that they would cut your arm to put it in, but that’s not what my ob/gyn did. She numbed my arm with lidocaine and injected the implant into my arm. Then she put a bandaid on the injection site, and put a pressure bandage around my arm.

After 24 hours, I took it off and changed the bandaid. At that point there were no issues that I could see. I was bruised a little, but that was to be expected and didn’t concern me at all.

Last week on Friday, I was sitting and watching Netflix on the tv. I had my elbow on the arm of the chair and leaned on it to adjust myself – my arm hurt. So I decided to take a look – after pulling my arm out of my sleeve, I noticed liquid at the edge of the bandaid. I removed it and discovered that I had blisters where the adhesive had been… Apparently, it seems as though I’ve discovered an allergy to adhesives. This could prove to be quite an issue in life..

So, as I’m writing this it’s Tuesday, and the blisters are getting better. They definitely do still hurt (not shocking) but I can wear long sleeves without gauze and an ace wrap on my arm. And I can touch them to apply Neosporin (and now a prescription ointment) without cringing in pain.

The implant itself doesn’t seem to be causing any major issues though.

NaBloPoMo – Day 6

Write the words you need to hear


happy birthday to me


Just because what you are feeling is different, does not mean you are broken.

Everyone deals with things differently.

You are loved – even if you don’t feel like it.

Just because you don’t match societal beauty standards doesn’t mean that you aren’t beautiful.

No matter how weak you think you are, you are one of the strongest people I know.

Pull inspiration for your makeup and clothes from the shows you love to watch and what you think your favorite book characters look like – experiment.